{i'm a fat kid}

seriously though.  i joke about being "the quintessential fat girl".  but i am.  and lately, i REALLY am.  i'm so much over my goal weight that my goal weight keeps going up.  i'm that mom that hides things like cup cakes so i don't have to share with the kids.  and god forbid they try to eat my cheezits.  {ohhhhhhh cheezits....now i really want some}.  seriously though.  i love food.  like a lot.  a real lot. 

i sometimes blame my weight gain on being happy.  ;)  and i'd gain 1 trillion pounds to be as happy as i am today.  oh, and butter.  i don't know how i lived without butter for so long but i "discovered" or re-discovered it right along the time that lisa started to teach me how to cook.  my motto, "everything tastes better with a little {or alot} of butter".  but my family {and let's be serious, butter} make me happy. so, it's all good. 

except, it's not.  i have to lose weight.  now.  i had my tonsils out four months ago and since then, i have gained 20 pounds.  yikes.  i read a lot of information about kids gaining weight after but not so much about adults.  so maybe it has nothing to do with each other.  but maybe it does.  who knows.  i went to the doctor the other day.  i think 20 pounds in 3 months is an awful lot.  he thought it wasn't a medical reason...just me being lazy.  {he was nice about it though}.  it was humiliating.  i sat there while he told me that i wasn't active enough {no shit} and that it probably just snuck up on me.  20 pounds??!  20 pounds didn't sneak up on me.  it ran at me at approximately 6.66 pounds per month and rammed it's way into my, well, everything.  it was at least nice enough to spread out evenly.  and my boobs are bigger.  which would be nice if i needed bigger boobs or had a desire to buy bigger bras.  but alas....

he did do blood work on me.  and i hate myself for hoping that something was actually wrong medically with me so that i didn't have to face the fact that i'm just lazy and fat.  come on thyroid problems!!!!!!!  but it all came back normal.  which if i'm being honest, was a huge relief.  now i can focus on eating better and working out.  i can do this....right?!

i'm doing weight watchers.  {again}.  and trying to work out.  {again}.  i'm hoping it works.  i could really truly care less about being skinny.  this isn't what this is all about.  this is all about being healthy.  for lisa.  for the kids.  for myself.  these extra 20 pounds are uncomfortable.  my asthma is getting worse.  my muffin top is getting bigger.  {yeah.  i said it}.  and i'm not comfortable in my clothes.  i've been wearing the same size pants for five years.  in those five years i've gained 30 or so pounds.  now, those pants aren't fitting so well.  i actually went ahead and bought the next size up last night.  i think it's going to give me the extra boost of confidence i need right now.  not because they are a bigger size {thank you captain obvious} but because they fit better.  i have them on today and you know what, i feel like less of a stuffed sausage.  so yay!!!!!!!!

so yeah.  that's where i am.  sorry if i scared you with this post the other day.  and thank you for everyone's kind words and thoughts.  i'm ok!  i will be ok.  :) 

so this is where we are.  i'm embarking on a journey.  a 25 lb. journey for now.  when those 25 lbs. are gone, maybe i'll take another trip for more.  who knows.  i have a target goal in mind but it's a bit overwhelming right now.  don't get me wrong, i love myself.  i know i am beautiful despite my growing body.  you'll probably be hearing about my weight loss on here from now on.  hey, it's my blog and i'll type about it if i want to.  {get it????!}  so if you don't like it, don't read it.  it's hard for me to put myself out there like this but i think it's important to have some sort of outlet to bitch and also i think it will motivate me more.  i don't want to have to type every week that i've lost 0 pounds.  or that i've gained for that matter.  :)

oh and i use smiley faces entirely too often.  ;)

0/25 lbs. lost.  {for now}