The KFC Experience...


If there's ever a question of whether or not you should go through the drive through, or go in, always choose the drive through.  Always.

The very first reason is because it's fast food.  I know that at least for me, the faster I can get the fast food the better.  I don't want to have to wait after ordering it because then I always have that creeping "you really shouldn't be eating this" feeling.  I'd much rather get my 10 piece chicken nugget and large fry meal with my chocolate shake and eat it right away.  Because then, when I'm 5 nuggets in and I get that sinking "I'm such a fat kid" feeling, my brighter, smarter, fatter fat kid side comes out and I think "well, I've already had 5, I might as well have the other 5 and enjoy them.  There's always tomorrow.  Tomorrow I'll have the salad".  My most fatter fat kid side just smirks, cause she knows there won't be any salad.  But truly, with the drive through, there's no waiting.  The only waiting is when the fries aren't done and they ask you to pull up and they'll bring them out.  During this wait, I don't get the fat kid dread.  I get the "OMG this is their only job in life.  Everyday they need to keep up with the fries.  How do you no make enough fries?!!!  You sell mostly fries!!!!! anger".

On this day I was by myself.  I decided to go in because I never know what I want.  I always have to look at the menu.  I could go to the same place everyday and still have to look at the menu.  What if there's something new?  What if something different catches my eye?  So, I decided to go in.  And this is what happened.

I stepped in and felt like the women from Hot in Cleveland.  I saw that show for the first time today.  It's hilariously funny.  The premise is that they three best friends that appear to be in there late forties and live in LA are on their way to Paris when there plane needs to land.  They land in Cleveland.  When they get there, they go to a bar and feel like supermodels.  In Cleveland, they aren't too old or too fat.  They are hottttttttttttttt!  Well, I decided on KFC so I threw on some relatively clean clothes, no makeup and i'm not even sure I brushed my hair.  I am after all recovering from surgery.  All I could think about while getting ready is the warm softness of the mashed potatoes and gravy and how delicious that was going to taste after getting my tonsils out and eating nothing but popsicles for a week and a half.  I get to KFC, step inside and am immediately thrown into the scene of HIC when they first step into the bar.  I was the hottest thing there.  And trust me, I'm a pretty self aware person, I know that that was nearly impossible to happen.  Especially today.
So I enter said KFC and get in line.  Behind me comes two older gentlemen.  I'd say late 60's.  One of these very nice gentlemen didn't know what "personal space" meant.  He was so close to the back of me that I felt like I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.  I don't think it actually happened, I just kept imagining it until the point where I got all goose bumpy.  Yuck.  So I took a TINY step forward.  I didn't want to invade the PS of the couple in front of me.  Well he took a tiny step too.  OMG!  I kept taking teeny tiny steps to the side and forward and he kept following me.  This isn't traffic buddy, no one's going to jump in front of you if you don't stay close enough to the mini van in front of you.  It was just awful.  It got to the point where I had to stand there not breathing to not breath on the couple in front of me.  Ughhhhhhhh.  Personal space people.  Personal space.  It should be, well, personal.

At this point I'm at the front of the line.  I order my food and move along.  As I'm standing waiting for my food I realize it's going to be a long wait.  I grab an open table and sit down.  I whip out my IPhone and start playing Hanging with Friends.  (No this isn't an endorsed entry but if they were willing to pay, I'd take it.)  I glance up and see a man at the counter with his whole ass hanging out.  not like a little crack....a BIG crack.  i look around and everyone else sees it too.  you know how you can be in a room full of complete strangers and something amazing awful happens...like butt crack and you all make eye contact and bond over it?  that happened.  i looked to the man at the table across from me and we had a whole conversation in a matter of seconds with our eyes....me "why the hell wouldn't her wear a belt?"  him "idk. but he SHOULD".  me "i know...gross".  him "yeah, well you should have brushed your hair".  me "i know" {hangs head in shame}.  seriously though, as if it couldn't get worse than seeing hairy man butt crack it can.  trust me.  it can.  you should be careful with your "at least it couldn't get worse" thoughts because they always can.  do you want to know how it got worse?  that hairy butt crack came right up next to me to stand at the trash.  if i looked straight ahead i could see it off to the right of me.  if i turned right i would have a face full of HBC.  so i had to keep my head turned left.  my neck started hurting, but there was no way i was turning.  finally he left.

then, i'm still waiting.  are they growing the potatoes and raising the chickens?  maybe.  i look up from my hanging with friends game {again...not endorsed but wish i was} and i see a woman that was asked to pull up in the drive through.  apparently mashed potatoes are a lot like fries and they have a hard time keeping up.  well she looked up and made eye contact with me at the same time.  if looks could kill, they would have had to call the coroner for me.  she hated me.  why does she hate me? i thought.  i'm waiting for my potatoes too.  it's not like i got up to the counter and ordered every bucket of mashed potatoes as she was ordering her food.  {insert evil laugh here}.  but let me tell you something, after her death gaze, i wish i had.

{i wrote most of this along time ago.  i was on pain killers and not confident in my writing abilities, so i never finished it.  i'm still not confident but more "i don't really care". so here it is.  there was a lot more funny stuff that happened at that visit, but of course i don't remember them now} 


  1. This post was hilarious! My was laughing my butt off. You are hilarious!

  2. OMG. I happened to just take a sip of water right before the hairy butt crack line and nearly spit it out all over my laptop. Good thing I said nearly, or you'd totally owe me a new MAC. Even if this one is second-hand. Yeah, I said it. ;) I'm glad you posted this, I needed the giggle. I hope you're recovering well from your surgery. And have had loads of potatoes. Mashed or otherwise.