{that post that was in my drafts and only meant for me but i hit publish anyways}

being over weight sucks.  i hate it.  yet, here i am.  i'm not able.  not capable.  not willing?  it shouldn't be this hard.  it shouldn't be this sad.  today, i hate my body.  hate myself for letting my body get this way.  do you know what those feelings do?  they make me want to eat.  ice cream.  and i did.  and now, now i hate myself for it.

if i let myself i could cry right now.  cry over that ice cream.  cry over these extra pounds.  cry. 

i don't want to be one of those crazy diet ladies.  you know the ones. the ones that have tried every diet out there yet they're still fat.  i don't want that to be me.  i want to find something that works and stick with it. 

i know i've talked about it before but i was doing so well.  eating healthy and working out.  consistently.  and nothing.  nothing worth measuring.  nothing that was worth all that hard work.  maybe that's it.  maybe i'm lazy.  maybe i just want the results now. 

i don't know.

but i'm at a loss.

i'm sad.

i'm mad.

i'm frustrated.

i'm fat. 

i'm crying.

i wrote this some time last week.  or the week before.  i'm not sure when.  i just found it in my drafts and felt like i had to publish it.  i'm scared to hit that publish button.  this was written for me.  only me.  i haven't shared it with anyone.  even lisa.  i forgot i had written it but when i just read it i cried again.  but for a different reason.  i cried because i don't want to be this person.  this person that was hurting so badly this day.  i want to be the person i am today.  who feels good about herself despite those extra pounds.  i also want you all to know that if you have feelings like these, you're not alone.  it's nice to know that you're not alone.  isn't it?

i don't always feel this way.  i don't always hate myself.  typically, i love myself.  typically, i feel beautiful and confident.  those days of loving myself are just fewer and farther between than they used to be lately.  some of those angry dark hurting days are creeping in more and more.  so it's time to do something about it and stop feeling bad for myself.

i thank god every day that i have lisa here with me.  i know beyond a fact that she is keeping me from feeling those dark days as much as i would if she weren't here.  it's hard to feel fat and gross when someone is telling you how beautiful you are.  each and every day.  i know with all of my heart that she thinks i am beautiful, perfect and sexy no matter what size jeans i wear.  she saves me every day from myself.

so what now?  well now, i'm doing something about it...

{to be continued}