is hard. really hard. and i'm lazy. i know that. i'm very self aware. i don't want to be fat. but i also want to eat chocolate and ice-cream and m&m's out of the pouch of my hoodie because they taste best that way. they get a little bit warm but not mushy and they...see? fat girl at heart.
let me just say that i do have confidence. i know that i am beautiful inside and out. whether i'm a size 2 or a size 22. although i wouldn't want to be a size 2. truly. that is not me. but somewhere, somewhere in the middle would be nice. but i have that ache. that "want to be able to try on clothes and not have to worry about them not fitting but rather worry about whether or not they are the most heinous thing ever and what the hell was i thinking? only a hanger should wear that shirt" kind of experience.
i've always wanted to be skinnier. even when i was skinnier. i think a lot of us struggle with that. if only i knew at 21 that i was my "ideally perfect". if i knew then what i know now, 50 pounds bigger and 11 years later i wouldn't have beat myself up so much.
just now, at almost 33. wait, no, almost 32 is my weight truly bothering me. i hate myself some days. yet, i can't stop eating the food i love. i can't start moving more. i sit at a computer at work and i sit at my computer or in front of the tv or wherever at home. i'm never just moving. i'm so incredibly happy with every other aspect of my life. my love is great, my kids are great, work is great, etc. i just don't know what to do. except i do know WHAT to do, i just don't know how to do it.
the only real diet i've tried is weight watchers. it worked for me back in the day. i lost 20 pounds quickly. and then i got pregnant. really? yup. now, 30 pounds heavier than i was after having my last baby, i'm lost. i'm lost in this body that doesn't feel like my own. i feel not myself. does that even make sense? i'm doing weight watchers but i'm not seeing results. now to be honest i haven't been really really doing it. but i was and nothing. so, i'm starting again.
it's hard work. really hard. i know that. i hate that i can't just do it. why can't i just do it????? even as i sit here i know i should be at the gym. i should be going for a walk. yet, here i sit. on my ass complaining to you. i think i need something to hold me accountable. but then i get pissed off at that "thing". maybe i should just start posting on here how much i weigh. maybe seeing that number in numbers on the HUGE internet will make me want to work better. harder. work to make that number smaller. maybe. just maybe.
what has worked for everyone else? and don't tell me eat better. work out more. that's obvious. help me out some other way. what is that way? i don't know or i wouldn't be asking.