{Living in the Moment...May}

This has been a crazy month to say the least.  So much has happened.  The month has both flown by and dragged along at the same time.  It felt like I didn't pick up my camera much.  But we did make it out for some sunshine today.

With everything that has been going on, I wasn't sure I was going to make this month's post.  I'm glad I was able to throw something together.  Even if it was last minute.  This month has taught me to really appreciate these little moments.  These everyday happinesses.  They rock.  And they keep us whole.  xoxo

Please go check out Irene's LITM post this month.  :)

{Just Me}

I like to think of myself as someone who has high self esteem.  For most of my life, I have been that person.  I was never one of the skinny girls.  I was never able to fit into a single digit pant.  And that was ok.  Because I was perfect.

I went through a period of time in my adult life where I did not feel this way.  I was not happy with myself.  My self esteem was not where it should be.  I wish I knew then.  Well, I guess I did know but I wish I had felt it then. 

I still struggle today.  I weigh the most I have ever.  That's some scary shit.  And the weight is not coming off easily even though I am trying.  Trying more than I ever have before.  Up until a few weeks ago I really cared.  My self esteem is still much higher than it was during my low time.  I know I'm beautiful.  I know I'm sexy.  But there were still those thoughts creeping in about not being good enough.  Not being skinny enough.

I was dieting before I got sick at the beginning of the month.  I was eating healthy and working out and I had lost eight pounds.  It took almost four months to lose those eight pounds.  And I know what you're gonna say the slower it comes off, the better.  Just shut up, ok?  I was frustrated before getting sick.  I was discouraged.  I wanted my vagina cowl to go away.

What's a vagina cowl you ask?  You know that loose skin you get on your lower belly after having ten million children?  You know how it kind of hangs and looks like a cowl neck shirt.  Yeah that.  You're welcome for that.  And that shit, trademarked.  Don't you dare steal it. 

Today I'm in a better place.  I think.  Today I don't care.  I've gained four of those eight pounds back since leaving the hospital and eating everything in sight.  And I just don't care.  My vagina cowl was getting smaller and now it's back.  You know what, I kind of missed it.  It holds my phone when I'm sitting in the car and keeps my hands warm sometimes.  It's useful. 

Seriously though, something happened to me.  I was very very sick.  It was as close to a death scare as I ever want to get again.  I think a part of me really was afraid of dying while I was in that ER.  It was the closest I'd ever come to feeling that way.  I got better and then I came home.  I was weak at first but I'm getting stronger every day.

And now?  Now those extra pounds don't seem to matter.  The grey hair that I desperately need to dye so badly that two people have mentioned it to me?  Doesn't seem to matter.  I just don't care.  What I care about is being here for my family.  If that means that I have a little grey hair and a VC {vagina cowl, you know} then so be it.  I just can't worry about that right now. 

For now I'm going to the gym.  But not to lose weight.  To get strong.  To build back some strength and to fight against whatever it was that ravaged my body and made me lose myself for a bit.  I'm gonna kick this mystery virus right in the VC.  It may have scared the pants off of me and made me question my future but it also made me appreciate my present and helped me gain back a little bit of that self esteem.  I was strong enough to fight back.  And that's something to be proud of.

So now I leave you with this pic of me that before would not have been good enough. My bangs look awful and the angle is all wrong making me look like I'm naked and floating in a sea of hair. But today, it's beautiful. Today it's me. Lisa's wife and Bailey, Chloe, Ian and Isobel's Mommy. What more could I ask for?

{Perfectly Them}

Just them. Perfectly.

{Wear It With Pride}

Target sold Gay Pride T-Shirts for the first time last year.  They are selling them again this year on their website. 

Lisa and I were sure to log on first thing Sunday morning because last year we found out late and all the good ones were gone. I just looked and it seems as if most of these are still available. I'm glad to see that Target did a better job ordering this year.

We ordered five.  They were a great deal.  Just $12.99 each and 50% of that goes to GLSEN.  That's super.  Plus, we got free shipping because I paid with my Target Debit Card.  {I know, I'm a company girl.  I can't help it}
Lisa and I both got this one.






I super duper big puffy heart love this one.


I love that they have tank tops this year!


This is my favorite.  :)


Also the great thing this year is that they come in larger sizes.  The one I bought last year ended up being too small for me.  No I can give up on hoping it will fit someday and cut it up and make something with it.  :)

OMG!  And Lisa are going to our first Pride parade when we go to D.C. in a few weeks.  I'm very excited that it's going to work out.  There is a lot of stuff going on in Boston as well as a parade but our trip was during the same time so we looked up events in D.C. and it's going to work perfectly!

{Oklahoma}

My heart goes out to everyone effected by the tornadoes in Oklahoma.

{Happy 8th Birthday Chloe}

Hey Chloe Bean-

Can you believe you're 8 today?  Me neither.  I know I've been messing with you for weeks trying to make you think you're only gonna be 7.  I'm silly sometimes.  If only it were that easy to keep you guys small.  I'd lie to you about how old you are forever.

I wrote you this post last year for your birthday.  I just sat here and read the whole thing and I'm crying.  I know, I cry a lot.  You really are so grown up lately.  I know you'll always be my Chloe Bean even if you are big. 

This year was a good year for you.  Do you want to sit down and take a look with me?  You can have something fancy to drink like a milkshake maybe and I'll have coffee. 

You my dear, are full of sass. I hope you never ever lose that.


We went to the beach a lot last summer.  It was the first year that you guys actually enjoyed it and didn't complain about something or other the whole time we were there.




You also took more swim lessons.  You LOVE swim lessons.


We had our second annual s'mores in the driveway night.


Aren't we cute???


Conner came to visit this summer.  You love him so very much.  You were excited for his visit and now he lives here with you guys! 




We see a lot of movies, huh?  I can't remember which one this was from but I like to get a picture of you guys after each one. 




We did the scavenger hunt again.  You guys have so much fun helping mommy out.


We went to that awesome hot air balloon festival.  How cool was that?  I hope to go again this year.


I know you think Ian is annoying but you really do get along with him quite well sometimes.  :)


We went to Bass Pro Shops for the first time.  It was every one's first time except Lisa.  You got that cotton candy that we ended up taking away from you.  You didn't let me forget it though, you just got your replacement thing at Target last weekend.


This was taken during our first visit with Carol.  Remember she came to visit from CA before she moved out here?  You guys were looking for the goldfish bread together.


We went to Lake Winnipesaukee this summer.  It was so much fun.  This was taken that day that we got up early and went for a walk because Lisa and Bailey were still asleep.


You guys loved swimming in the Lake.


This is from when we went to the Polar Caves.  That was so much fun.  Remember the Orange Crush that you guys did with Lisa?


And this.  You guys were so brave.  All three of you jumped off the raft into the Lake.  Lisa admitted later that she was a bit nervous but I wasn't.  I knew you were safe with her.


We went to Auntie Amanda Leigh's wedding this year.  You loved getting dressed up.


And dancing the night away with Baby Cayden.


You started second grade this year.  I can't believe it.  You're so grown up.  You also started sharing your bus with Ian.  You think it's so cool to have a little brother in Kindergarten.


Lisa and I found you asleep like this one night.  You were drawing turtles in the dark and fell asleep holding your pencil.  Even though you were breaking the rules, I loved finding you like this.  It's exactly something I would do when I was your age.


We went apple picking for the first time with some of the cousins.  You guys had a great time even if there weren't a lot of apples left.




Remember up there when I reminded you that we took your cotton candy away?  Yeah.  Cavities.  And a lot of them.  We're not sure why since you're the very best brusher out of everyone but there they were.  You became quite close with the dental staff.  As a matter of fact, every time we are there whether we are there for you or not, they ask about you.  You're like a super star there!


You were a cute fairy thing for Halloween.  :)




You were pretty healthy this year.  That makes us happy.  Your asthma seems to be getting better.  {knock on wood}.  You don't need an inhaler very often.  You did need to do some treatments while you had a cold.




I missed the focus here and your cheeks are puffy from the dentist but I super big puffy heart this pic of you.  You're beautiful.  I hope you always know that.  Don't forget, ok?


You and Ian love to take pictures.  You know I love that.


This was our Christmas card this year.  You guys get grumpy with me when I make you take these but you're gonna love having them some day.




You and Ian are two goof balls in a pod.




See?  You do like him sometimes.  Especially when he's kissing your feet.  ;)



Lisa started reading Harry Potter to you guys.  Bailey took over and then you started taking turns.  Remember how Ian would fall asleep every time?


We picked out our Christmas tree again this year.  I love this tradition we have.


I'm not sure what you were saying here but you were cracking yourself up.  I think you had told me that you found the perfect tree.  lol.


Practicing your mommy eyes, huh?


You don't take yourself too seriously.  You're ok with being goofy.  I hope you never lose that.


Your first holiday breakfast at school with Ian!




Christine got you a cute slouchy sweater for Christmas.  You thought you were so cool wearing it.  You did look very grown up and adorable in it.




You really love Kit and that makes Lisa and I very happy.  We're glad we could bring such a special toy into your life.


Remember that awesome lunch date we had with Carol and Danny?


The two of you hit it off right away.




This is one of my all time favorite pics ever.  I love how you two are sitting exactly alike.  Same feet.  Same hands.  Perfect.




You did a good job not being too annoyed watching Ian and Will play basketball every weekend.  You kept yourself entertained.




Christine got us an iPad for Christmas.  All of you love playing with it.  You were playing the cupcake math game here.


Yes, I take pictures of you while you're sleeping.  Yes, I know it's creepy.


You guys melt me.  xoxo


Cousin time!  This was the night of the Superbowl at Auntie Amanda Leigh's house.


You got some Lego Friend's for Christmas and love them!


Ian took this picture.  :)


And this one.  :)


We had a lot of fun swimming at the Y with the cousins for Ian's Birthday.


Here you are at the dentist again!  They loved your stylish boots.


Love is all you need.  That's hard to remember sometimes in the world we live in.  I hope that you always keep this sentiment close to you because sometimes people can be nasty and hurtful but as long as you have love in your life, you will overcome.  I promise.


You have a way about you when you smile or laugh you light up the whole room.  I am a lucky mama to be able to witness it each and every day.


I love that you like going to family Zumba with me!




Hey remember that time you kicked the wall in the pool at swim and we went to the ER cause we thought you broke your foot?  Yeah?  Me too!


You did not in fact break your foot but you did get crutches and you loved all the attention.


Also remember that time you got strep throat and that horrible ear infection?  Yeah.  Me too!  Although the cool part was when they tried to clean your ears with that thing.  You hated it.  I thought it was so cool.


Adorable.




You told me this year that you will always, always, always want to hold my hand in public and argued with me when I told you that it wasn't the case.  And then I brought up boys and you agreed.


You killed it with the face down float in swim lessons.


We really love our popcorn and movie nights around here, huh?


I love seeing pics of you guys with grandma.  It makes my heart happy.


Easter!


Cousin time!


You rode the dirt bike with Auntie Leigh Leigh.  You thought it was fantastic!


Most stylish seven year old ever.


This was our Easter picture this year.





Ian had his Q & U wedding this year.  You guys had fun with the ties.


We went for hibachi for and frozen yogurt for the first time in one night.  And you guys used chopsticks for the first time.  It was an awesome night.








This is a picture of the first time you called a boy.  Yup.  You're welcome.  BTW it was Nathaniel and you were RSVPing to his birthday party.


Bailey was quizzing you on your spelling words.


Your school had a Boston Strong day at school where you got to wear a Boston themed shirt if you brought in a donation.  All proceeds went to the One Fund for the Marathon Bombing victims.  You and Ian matched.


We went to our first hockey game this year too.  The Providence Bruins.  It was a lot of fun and you seemed to enjoy it.


Then, for your birthday Lisa and I brought you to the American Girl Doll Store.  None of us had been there and it was so much fun.  We had dinner in the Cafe too.


During dinner we were playing a game that they gave us.  It was little cards that had questions on them.  One of the questions was name one word you would use to describe yourself.  You immediately answered with AWESOME!!!!

And you know what?  You are awesome.  I hope you always feel that way.  I love you Chloe Elizabeth.  All my heart, all my world and too much.  You are my Chloe Bean.  My heart.  My all.  Thank you for being my baby girl and making me the luckiest Mommy ever.  xoxoxo