{#MysteryIllness}

If you follow me anywhere online, you've seen me use the hashtag #mysteryillnes for a couple of months now.  While I admit that the term "mystery illness" is a bit dramatic, all I have to say is we have met, right?!  So most of you know that I got sick on May 3rd.  Really sick.  Lisa brought me to the ER and they thought I had meningitis.  I was shipped up to a bigger hospital and spent the better part of the week there.  Turns out I did not have meningitis. 

Good news right?  Of course.  But that also means that they have no idea what was wrong with me.  To the point where my primary care doctor told me that they were going to call it a "viral syndrome".  Whatever the heck that means. 

I also had my very first migraine that first day in the hospital.  I was never even prone to headaches so I guess I didn't realize I was having a migraine.  Since I left the hospital I've been having what I now know are migraines regularly.  I have never had excruciating pain in my head like I picture a migraine to be.  But I also have a very high pain tolerance.  Also I've had really scary incidents when I can't talk.  I'm present and in my head telling myself to say the word but I just can't.  I do eventually say it.  It's just delayed.  Scary stuff.

So as part of my initial mystery illness follow up, I went to see a neurologist and explained to him what was going on.  He diagnosed me with sudden onset migraines with aura.  The aura part is the not being able to talk.  He said sometimes I would have a migraine with no aura.  Sometimes an aura with no migraine but that eventually they would link up and be together.  BUT he wanted to run some tests to make sure there wasn't anything more serious going on.

I had an MRI as well as an EEG.  I'm one of those people that go to the absolute worst place possible in my head.  I just have to.  It's how I cope.  I can't imagine thinking that it's just migraines and not mentally prepare for the brain tumor that I convinced myself was there.  This way, I'm prepared {as prepared as one can be} for the brain tumor and then a huge sigh of relief when it's "just" migraines.  I know, I'm a mess.  I'm very self aware. 

Today I got the results.  I can officially take the mystery out of the mystery illness.  I have an official diagnosis of migraines with aura.  Huge sigh of relief.  But not that big of a sigh because let's face it, migraines suck ass.  I know all migraines are different.  With mine, I get a burning sensation on top of my head and I feel funny.  Kind of drunk.  I have light sensitivity sometimes.  And sometimes I get an instant wave of extreme fatigue.  Like fall asleep sitting up in an instant while sitting up.  It's talking a lot out of me and it's starting to interfere with life.

I've been tracking my incidents and since June 1st I've had at least 13 incidents.  Not all were migraines but all were something to do with my head.  And I know there are some that didn't get documented.  So yeah.  We spoke to the doctor today about it and he's starting me on some medication to prevent the migraines.  I'm bummed to need to be on another medicine but excited to not have to deal with these migraines anymore.  It will take a couple of months to get me to the dosage that really works because you have to increase it slowly.  It might be the longest two months of my life.

For the mean time, I have to wear sunglasses at work.  Yup.  I mentioned that I was tracking my incidents and most of them happened on a work day.  The only thing I could think of was maybe it's because of the fluorescent lighting.  So he wants me to wear sunglasses for two weeks and see if it gets better.  It's really the only way to identify if it's the lighting.  This wouldn't be a problem if I worked in an office.  Oh well.  It is what it is. 

{Just Me}

I like to think of myself as someone who has high self esteem.  For most of my life, I have been that person.  I was never one of the skinny girls.  I was never able to fit into a single digit pant.  And that was ok.  Because I was perfect.

I went through a period of time in my adult life where I did not feel this way.  I was not happy with myself.  My self esteem was not where it should be.  I wish I knew then.  Well, I guess I did know but I wish I had felt it then. 

I still struggle today.  I weigh the most I have ever.  That's some scary shit.  And the weight is not coming off easily even though I am trying.  Trying more than I ever have before.  Up until a few weeks ago I really cared.  My self esteem is still much higher than it was during my low time.  I know I'm beautiful.  I know I'm sexy.  But there were still those thoughts creeping in about not being good enough.  Not being skinny enough.

I was dieting before I got sick at the beginning of the month.  I was eating healthy and working out and I had lost eight pounds.  It took almost four months to lose those eight pounds.  And I know what you're gonna say the slower it comes off, the better.  Just shut up, ok?  I was frustrated before getting sick.  I was discouraged.  I wanted my vagina cowl to go away.

What's a vagina cowl you ask?  You know that loose skin you get on your lower belly after having ten million children?  You know how it kind of hangs and looks like a cowl neck shirt.  Yeah that.  You're welcome for that.  And that shit, trademarked.  Don't you dare steal it. 

Today I'm in a better place.  I think.  Today I don't care.  I've gained four of those eight pounds back since leaving the hospital and eating everything in sight.  And I just don't care.  My vagina cowl was getting smaller and now it's back.  You know what, I kind of missed it.  It holds my phone when I'm sitting in the car and keeps my hands warm sometimes.  It's useful. 

Seriously though, something happened to me.  I was very very sick.  It was as close to a death scare as I ever want to get again.  I think a part of me really was afraid of dying while I was in that ER.  It was the closest I'd ever come to feeling that way.  I got better and then I came home.  I was weak at first but I'm getting stronger every day.

And now?  Now those extra pounds don't seem to matter.  The grey hair that I desperately need to dye so badly that two people have mentioned it to me?  Doesn't seem to matter.  I just don't care.  What I care about is being here for my family.  If that means that I have a little grey hair and a VC {vagina cowl, you know} then so be it.  I just can't worry about that right now. 

For now I'm going to the gym.  But not to lose weight.  To get strong.  To build back some strength and to fight against whatever it was that ravaged my body and made me lose myself for a bit.  I'm gonna kick this mystery virus right in the VC.  It may have scared the pants off of me and made me question my future but it also made me appreciate my present and helped me gain back a little bit of that self esteem.  I was strong enough to fight back.  And that's something to be proud of.

So now I leave you with this pic of me that before would not have been good enough. My bangs look awful and the angle is all wrong making me look like I'm naked and floating in a sea of hair. But today, it's beautiful. Today it's me. Lisa's wife and Bailey, Chloe, Ian and Isobel's Mommy. What more could I ask for?

{I Think I'm Sick...Part 1 of the Mystery Illness}

Well, not anymore.  Except, I am.  Make sense?  No?  Oh well.  Lol.  I was very sick in the hospital from Saturday AM until Tuesday afternoon.  It's an incredibly long story so I'm gonna break it up for you.  And let's face it, for me.  I still feel like absolute crap.  I still have this nagging headache and I'm just weak.  I don't know how better to explain it.  Kind of foggy too.  I've definitely been knocked on my ass by this illness.  Whatever it may be.  For now, it's mysteritis.  Yes.  I made that up.

It all started Friday night.  Lisa and I went to bed and I felt fine.  Completely normal except that I was cold.  And I'm often cold so that's no biggie.  I woke up at 12:30 AM fahreezing.  You have no idea.  I got up, put pants on {tmi?}, got another blanket, put the mattress heater on and climbed back in bed.  I still felt ok.  Cue 3:30 AM.  I woke Lisa up moaning in my sleep.  She asked me what was wrong and I said "I think I'm sick".  She felt my head and I was burning up.  So of course we couldn't find the thermometer.  You know, why would we?  Right?  Lisa gave me Ibuprofen and I fell back asleep.

I woke up again at 8:30 AM.  I was burning up again.  This is where Saturday gets hazy for me.  I know Lisa went and got a thermometer.  I know I had a temp of 102.7.  I know I threw up once.  Then I gave in and went to the ER.


{Of course I put my hair into no-heat curls the night before}

As I was walking into the ER I remember sweating.  It was the first time my fever had actually broke.  Or at least I felt like it was breaking.  And I thought to myself,  Oh great.  They're gonna laugh at me and send me home.  Gosh, I was wrong.

I got a room and the doctor came in.  They started an IV.  They took blood cultures from both arms.  They did a chest xray.  They took a urine sample.  Then the doctor came in and told me that he was really concerned and since the blood cultures take a few days to come back, he wanted to do a Lumbar Puncture.  That's when it hit me.  They thought I had meningitis.  I told him ok, he left the room and I had my first panic attack.  Seriously.  I couldn't breathe and not in an "I have asthma and need my inhaler" kind of way.  Although I did need it because of the panic attack.  Are you still with me?  Lol.  Thank god for Lisa.  She kept me calm and sane throughout this whole ordeal.


{I vaguely remember signing this}

My ER dr did the spinal in the room I was already in.  I think that helped a lot with my nerves about it.  He did a great job and besides the burn from the Novocain, it didn't hurt at all.  He said the fluid that he got looked clear and that was a good sign.  As I sat up from the spinal I had the worst pain of my entire life in my head.  I'm not sure what it was but it was bad.  The dr ordered pain meds.  This is when it got interesting for Miss Lisa and less painful for me.


{My lovely IV and one of the last times I'd wear my ring for days due to swelling}

As the meds went in I was talking about how I could never be a drug abuser because I hated the way they made me feel.  The meds they gave me would also make me feel warm because I was shaking uncontrollably every time my fever spiked with the chills.  I only remember a few things I said while on the meds.  I know I asked for Gatorade.  Red or Blue.  And Hostess cupcakes.  You know, the chocolate one with the white swirl.  When Lisa told me that they were Hostess cupcakes and therefore they are no more since Hostess went out of business, I was horrified.  How could they do that to me?  The only thing I wanted in the world right then was one of those sweet chocolate cupcakes.  And a slush puppie apparently.

Me:  Oooh.  I want one of those drinks.  The one's from the convenience store.
Lisa:  Ummmm, ok.  What one?
Me:  You know the one that had the puppy and the thing that spinned around?  ::insert finger twirling around in a circle above my head::
Lisa:  A slush puppie?
Me:  YES!  omg I love slush puppies.
Lisa:  I've never had one.
Me:  What's wrong with you???????????
Lisa:  I dont' know.  I've just never had one.  I think ICEE bought them out.
Me:  Gross.  Icee's are all wrong.  The ice is wrong.  The ice in a slush puppie was perfect.
Lisa:  Yeah it was ice that you put flavors on, right?
Me:  EXACTLY!  Those were the best flavors ever.

So yeah.  I was a bit out of it.  I guess I also asked for Cheezits and powdered donettes.  The nurse joked that I had a bit of the munchies.  Oh well.  Then the dr. came back in and hit me with more news.  They were transferring me to another local hospital.  A bigger one.  The one that I was at did not have a Neurologist or Infectious Disease doctors.  As I waited for the ambulance, Lisa ran home to get some stuff we needed.

The ambulance drivers came and gave me a mask to wear.  This was it.  I was being transferred to what would become my home for the next few days.  They were very handsome.  Like tv handsome.  I kidded with Lisa that they looked like they belonged on ER or Grey's Anatomy.  As we were pulling out of the ambulance dock the EMT in the back with me joked with the EMT in the front about speeding.  And then, he sped.  It was surreal to be laying in the back of the ambulance looking out the window at all the familiar places in our downtown with the big + of the ambulance in the view.  It seemed like we got there in minutes.  And right after I sat down on the bed in my new room, Lisa walked in.



A very nice woman dr. came in and told us that even though the spinal tap results came back negative, they were going to start treating me for meningitis anyways.  That's the most news we got for days.  Communication was not this hospital's biggest win.  Neither was the food.  Lol.  They posted a pretty sign outside of my room saying that everyone that entered had to wear gloves.  My door also had to stay shut the entire time I was there.



Fun huh?

{Thanks so much to Lisa for thinking to take pics throughout the day knowing that I would want to blog about it.  I didn't so much as touch my phone all day which will tell you just how sick I was feeling}

Part 2 will be someday.  It took days to write this.  Ughhhhh.