{365 days}

365 days.

three hundred and sixty five days.

one year.

it has been one year since you've left me.

left us.

left everyone.

365 days.

365 days that my heart has been broken.



one year hit me hard.

really hard.

like right in the gut hard.

i haven't seen you in 365 days.

i haven't talked to you in 365 days.

i haven't hugged you in 365 days.

one year.

365 days.

the one year mark has made everything seem more real than it did before.

more definite.

more forever.

more heart broken.

365 days.


{Christmas Time}

Today is December 13th. I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago....

Today is December 4th. This is usually my favorite time of year. This year, not so much. In just five days it'll be three months since my Mom left us. In eight days it'll be three months since Eddie left us. We lost two very important people three months ago. Just a month before we got married. Of course my Mom would have been a big part of our special day, but Eddie, Eddie was supposed to be one of our best men.

And I just can't anymore. I cry every damn day. I can't get over the sadness that has overcome me lately. I'm so sad and so damn angry all the time. They should both be here. My Mom should be here Christmas day sitting in the chair by the window. Eddie should be here drunk acting like a fool at our Ugly Christmas Sweater party.

Life just isn't fair and I've lost the Christmas spirit.

I've written a lot of things that have been sitting in my drafts (like the above post) because sometimes I write just for me. Sometimes that works. Lately, not so much. Life is just so unfair. This year has been so hard and it was supposed to be the best year of our lives, the year we get married. But instead, the two of us just can't wait for it to be over. Like turning the page of the calendar from 2016 to 2017 will magically erase this past year. Obviously, it won't but there is hope in that blank page. That beautiful blank calendar waiting to be filled with happy events. Hopefully this new year is better to us than this past year has been. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of being on the edge of tears when I'm not crying.